Coaching Breakdown: How Do I Love Myself?

Coachee: I like this.

Joe: Yeah. And notice how much this is. Love self-love. Eyes open. Yeah. Look at 'em. Yeah.

Coachee: Yeah. I needed this.

Brett: Welcome to the Art of Accomplishment, where we explore living the life you want with enjoyment and ease. It's a rainy day here in California and maybe the audience can hear that rain in our microphones and

Test: I hope so, 

Brett: I hope that it is soothing and enjoyable to you. 

Joe: It's enjoyable to me, so I hope you get to hear it.

Brett: Yeah, and today we're gonna be recording a breakdown of a coaching session. This is a session with a man who came to one of our public Q&As, which you can find links to those in our show notes for the future. In his Q&A, this person received some coaching from Joe that started with a topic of how he can recognize his own accomplishments and followed a really fascinating journey to self-love, which is a really interesting question as to what that actually is and what it looks like. And I think that this session really demonstrates that beautifully. Without further ado, let's get started. 

Coachee: How's it going? 

Joe: Good to see you. 

Coachee: Good to see you. 

Joe: Where are you living? 

Coachee: Seattle. 

Joe: Oh wow. Can I live there with you? Because it looks really nice. 

Coachee: Would love to have you. That's great. 

Joe: Yeah. So pause already three or four times now he's doing this. He's looking down and to the right. So he is having a hard time seeing me. He is having a hard time seeing himself. This is the first cue in the situation that there's there's a little bit of shame or a lot of shame in being seen or in seeing himself. So this is the first clue about what's gonna happen.

Brett: All right, continue. 

Coachee: Why do I tend to dismiss my accomplishments, and also to even more than ignore my needs, I feel like I dismiss them, or feel like I'm not right to have them. 

Joe: How is the answer to that question going to help you? What's the thing that,

So there again. Stop. Stop again. Now it went for a straight head tilt. It wasn't even a side, it was just a straight down head tilt when I asked him what would it get you? So there's two stages whenever we're having a hard time being seen, is there, is the, okay, I feel somewhat ashamed of the fact that I'm not seeing myself or that i'm not good enough to be seen, but then there's a deeper shame typically of I want to be seen.

So oftentimes you're working in both of those two sections with somebody. It's not just the being seen, it's the, is it okay to want to be seen? Like I want to be seen. I want you to see me. There's a lot of shame in that for some folks. And so we're seeing that both of those are at play here. 

Brett: Yeah. Fascinating. 

Joe: What's that strategy? The strategy of getting that question answered gets you what?

Coachee: My immediate reaction is some way of loving myself maybe more.

Joe: Okay. Hold on a second.

So you said like, maybe, kinda there's so much hedging there, which is just more of the it's not okay to love myself, to wanna be seen, like all these things that are 100% completely human of us that we all want. Every child born wants attention, wants to be seen, wants to be loved, wants to love themselves, wants to believe there's a self to be loved. It's amazing how we can convince ourselves that there's something wrong with all of that, because somebody in our childhood wasn't able to give us the attention that we needed. 

Brett: Yeah. It's interesting also how the initial questions were a hedge. I want to recognize my accomplishments. You are like what would that get you? And then it's then there's the highly hedged, maybe self love. 

Joe: Right? That's right. And so this is part of the, not seeing yourself, one of the typical patterns that somebody who wants to see themselves, wants to be seen and isn't getting that is you'll notice a lot of hedging in their words, and if you're one of those people to play with, not hedging is a very useful set of experiments to do.

Brett: All right, let's continue. 

Joe: Yep.

So what makes it, the question isn't, how do I love myself or 

Coachee: Yeah. I guess it's literally that. 

Joe: So it's a, it is one of the ways that you think of loving yourself is to acknowledge your accomplishments. One of the ways you think of loving yourself is, what else? What was the other one?

Coachee: Acknowledging that I have needs and not dismissing them maybe. 

Joe: Okay. 

Brett: Pausing here. 'cause you can already see his, how he's doing. Less of the physical hedging. Yeah. In having been seen for wanting self-love. And that not being attacked or shamed. There's a way that he's more present with you.

Joe: Yeah, absolutely. And it's not no hedging, it's less hedging. There's one, maybe instead of three maybes, there's one look down instead of four look down or whatever. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

What makes you say maybe. 

Coachee: I guess I'm just not a certain discomfort with something it feels like.

Joe: Okay. So tell me what, give, gimme a need that you're uncomfortable with.

Coachee: I have a hard time articulating those being seen, recognized, not just accepted, but welcomed. 

Joe: Yeah. Cool. 

Brett: What's beautiful right there is that he has, throughout the course of this session, he's gone from the surface level question, like, how do I recognize my needs or my accomplishments to, with two or three questions from you, recognizing that what he actually wants is to love himself, and now through another couple of questions without you offering anything but him just responding to those reflections, to those prompts, he's now laid out the path, welcoming myself. What would self-love be? Welcoming myself. And it'll be really interesting to see how that plays out through the rest of the session. But it looks like you didn't need to offer him anything. He actually had the entire path.

Joe: Yeah. 

Brett: Ready to be rolled out like a carpet. 

Joe: It's a great pointer. I feel like that happens in almost all of my sessions, however, usually isn't as clear as this. You can see the path that they're laying out, but they don't just like blatantly articulate it to you like this guy's doing.

It's just it's beautiful. And I think it's such a critical thing is that understanding that we all have it in us. We all know, we all have that sense the way a, a bird migrates. We have this sense in us, that we know the way home. And it's so important to acknowledge that if you're coaching somebody, but even more important to acknowledge it in yourself.

Brett: All right. Let's move on. 

Joe: Yeah.

Great. Show me what it would be like to welcome yourself right now. Oh, you did it for a second. What happened?

Coachee: Felt like it was in here for a second, and then it, either I pulled away. 

Joe: Yeah. Yeah. Let's go back. Go back to welcoming yourself and notice what makes you stop. Just be with it. You're gonna, yeah, there it is. What happened, what'd you do? 

Brett: For those listening?

There's, in first receiving the prompt of welcoming himself there's a very self-possessed uprightness that, a posture that he takes and then it lasts for a few moments, and then he looks down again or closes, and that's what Joe is pointing out. 

Joe: Yeah. 

Coachee: Like I just quieted.

Joe: Okay. How is it to hold a quiet and a welcoming at the same time?

So what I noticed is you're, there's some trying that's going on in your system right now. There's some trying to figure it out, but the first time you welcomed yourself, it was an immediate,

Coachee: I feel like I try a lot. I feel like it's my 

Test: welcome, welcome the trying. 

Coachee: Okay. Yeah. 

Joe: There you are. 

Coachee: Yeah. 

Joe: So there, so that's just something, if you can't love the thing, love the resistance to the thing. That's a, that's just a great pointer, generally. If there's some part of yourself you can't love, then love the resistance to the thing you can't love.

Brett: Yeah. And the recognition in him. And receiving that prompt was beautiful too. He was just like, oh, I hadn't considered that. 

Joe: So sweet. Yeah. More of him now in this moment yeah. Yeah. 

Coachee: Feels lighter. 

Joe: Yeah. 

Coachee: Like I could move. Yeah. 

Joe: Yeah. 

Yeah. What happened? 

Coachee: I stopped again. 

Joe: Yeah. So there's a, there's this opportunity potentially you could just be walking through life welcoming yourself. 

Coachee: I could. 

Joe: Yeah. Which will then you'll then beat yourself up for not doing and then you'll, like that whole bullshit thing will happen.

Coachee: Yeah. I wouldn't know anything about that. 

Joe: Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so hold on a second. So this is something else that's for folks who are in this pattern. A lot of negative self-talk, a lot of shoulds, a lot of, bully voice in the head, driving them to try to get to some idea of perfection that can never actually be held.

And so that's what he's acknowledging and I'm acknowledging in this moment that, that's existing in him, but it exists in everybody in this pattern.

Brett: Yeah. And having that be surfaced I can see just throughout this session. His level of presence keeps increasing as more of him as being seen.

There's the part of him that probably internally was already saying now this is a new thing you have to do, or You're not good enough if you're not welcoming yourself all the time. That's a new to do. And then an internal rebel, like that whole system just got seen in the way that you reflected that and he's now here with us even more.

Joe: Yeah.

So the other thing that I'm noticing is the more you welcome yourself, the redder your face is getting, and some acknowledgement too. How much is this, right? That there's an acknowledgement as you welcome yourself, you're actually being seen and welcomed by all these people.

Coachee: Oh, it's fucking awesome. 

Joe: Okay. 

Coachee: I thought I'd be a lot more scared of it than I am. I mean, I feel a little, a little nerves. 

Joe: Oh, keep welcoming yourself. I don't wanna the idea now is that you're gonna welcome yourself in this whole conversation. 

Coachee: Okay. Okay. 

Joe: There's no reason to stop and it's gonna bring some crazy ass emotions up, as you said. 

Coachee: Oh my God. Yeah. I can, bunch of things bubbling there. Yeah. 

Joe: Yeah. So back to welcoming. Welcome the trying. Welcome the trying. 

Coachee: Yeah. 

Joe: Yeah. And then just name the things that come up and then tell me how you're welcoming them. 

Coachee: I just feel like a sense of trying to be open here.

Joe: Yeah. So welcome that trying. 

Coachee: Okay. 

Joe: And welcome the openness. 

Coachee: Okay. 

Joe: And welcome the resistance to being open.

Coachee: Yeah. 

Joe: So the cool thing here is that he is somatically doing it. This session works because he is literally, I don't know if he's saying I welcome it or what he's doing internally, but you can feel his body going, oh, this thing I am, I'm letting this thing step into me or I'm stepping into this thing.

He is just doing it one after the other. So there's this somatic and the question of welcoming or loving yourself, there's this idea that like it's some action or some words you say. It is a somatic feeling, the way that you feel when you're with a pet that you adore or a child, or somebody you have a crush on is a little bit different, but it's very similar.

There's a feeling that you have towards them. It's what is it like to direct that feeling towards yourself? It's a somatic experiencing 

Brett: Yeah. Reversal of the flow. 

Joe: Yeah. And it's not words. It's not, How do you love yourself? Is a paramount to the question of like, how do you feel? It is a sense, it's you're sensing yourself and in this case, he's accessing it through welcoming. Oh, I'm, I am going to say this part of me, you're welcome here. And that again, is a visceral, somatic, sensual experience.

Brett: All right, let's keep going. 

Coachee: Okay. 

Joe: Yeah. So the question was how do I love myself? 

Coachee: Yeah. 

Joe: How are we doing? 

Coachee: I feel like I'm better. I want to say I'm on a path. 

Joe: So that, that's how it works, is as you welcome whatever arises, and it's a welcoming, it's I can't wait for you. Whether it's the sadness or the flushing or the resistance to, the resistance against, the longing, the trying.

So tell me what's required right now what's required to like, welcome the whole thing in this moment.

Coachee: A desire to do it. 

Joe: You have that? 

Coachee: I do. 

Joe: So let's see it. Let's see what it looks like. Just to welcome all of it in this moment.

Coachee: Feels like I wanna open my arms. 

Joe: Great. Yeah. You know this place, man. This is not your first time here. 

Coachee: No. 

Joe: Is this what happens when you're working?

Coachee: Not consistently, but 

Joe: Ah, so that self-judgment, you can welcome that too. 

Coachee: Yeah. That's good. 

Joe: Yeah. So this is, yeah. Stay with exactly what's happening. And I wanna point out a pattern. The pattern is that, you know, that place. After you are in that place, somehow you have a learning that you need to feel shame after that place.

Coachee: Yes.

Brett: Yeah. For those listening through that arc when he went to that place, what he did was he opened his arms and leaned back a little bit and you could just perceive at homeness and comfort. And when Joe said, wait, you know, this place, tears came to his eyes, like tears of recognition and then also a little bit of the hedging looking down. Maybe that's the shame Joe's pointing to right now.

Joe: Yeah. It's it's a really common pattern, in this complex of patterns. One of the things is you're not allowed to feel good. You can perform, but you're not allowed to be seen. You're just like not allowed to feel good.

And typically it's because there was a parent where your joy was overwhelming to their senses. So they would, make sure the tall poppy was cut, so to speak. Or they would make sure that the, like you heard this phrase I don't want you to get a big head, right? Which basically, I don't want you to feel good.

And so that's the wrestle, that's the emotional wrestling that happens and oftentimes people come into the spiritual journey with the, I'm not good enough and, or, I'm sorry, the self-development journey with the, I'm not good enough and therefore, if I do all this work, I'll be good enough to feel good, only to discover that the journey is actually allowing themselves to feel good. Nothing about them has to change. There's no perfection needed to feel good. There's just a welcoming of yourself and so that vacillation occurs or that pendulation occurs of, okay. I feel good. Wait, no, I must be ashamed. Oh no. I might get too big for my britches. Oh no. I might be too much for people I love who will reject me if I feel this good. And so there's this natural in and out from the welcoming to the shame that happens and it's part of the process and it's to be felt and invited. It's not to be resisted. 

Brett: And what had you tell him, you know, this place, man, where did that come from? 

Joe: I just saw that he'd been there before. I can't explain how I saw that. Yeah, just saw it. I just saw that this was not his first rodeo, that he had touched it somewhere. I was guessing work just because the artistic like the way his, there's a care in the way that he set up his house and so my guess is that there's some way in which he loses himself in this work. And therefore can have much more welcoming sense of life. 

Brett: Yeah. Having had that pointed out to him that he'd been there before, that he knows that place almost seems to have brought out a form of like reverence or the sacred or something. 

Joe: Yeah, it does. Yeah. 

Brett: In his reflection. 

Joe: Yeah. 

Brett: All right, let's go, let's keep going.

Joe: That being that big and peaceful and spacious is a shameful thing because someone was jealous of you and so shamed you out of it when you went there, something like that. So go back there to the welcoming everything for a minute and when that shame arises, yeah. Don't

Brett: yeah. He's savoring it now.

Joe: And when that shame arises, welcome that too.

Coachee: Okay. Wow. 

Joe: Yeah. How is that shame when that shame is welcomed? How is it different than?

Coachee: It's actually doesn't feel, I don't feel as much resistance as I would've thought.

Joe: Yeah. So this is what happens in your work too. You go to that place and then you feel some sort of shame. You beat yourself up for something self-critical. Something pulls you out of the, out of that place of complete welcoming.

Coachee: Yeah. 

Joe: And then you tell yourself some story that if you didn't criticize yourself like that you wouldn't have the drive to improve. What's the story you tell yourself? 

Coachee: Just that it's, I'm not allowed to have it. 

Joe: Yeah. Cool. 

Coachee: I think about what you've said about being in a comparative mindset, and I think about how often I do that. I'm like, huh. 

Joe: Can you welcome that? 

Coachee: I can. 

Joe: I welcome my comparative mindset. It helps me be good in work. There's a brilliance in it. Yeah. 

Coachee: Yeah. That's great. 

Joe: Yeah. 

Coachee: Wow. 

Joe: So part of the issue is that you criticize yourself, but the other part of the issue is that you resist the experience entirely. You call it bad, I shouldn't be doing that.

Coachee: Yeah. 

Joe: So your question was how do you love yourself and or how do you give yourself needs? How do you allow yourself the needs? So what's the need that wouldn't get met if you were welcoming? 

Coachee: What's the need that wouldn't get met? If I was, 

Joe: If any?

Coachee: A need to do better, to compare to, yeah.

Joe: What if you were welcoming that? 

Coachee: Then it wouldn't, then what's the problem? 

Joe: Yeah. Yeah. So let's go back to you just welcoming yourself in the conversation 'cause one of the things I notice is that you're really good at welcoming the thing when you're in your own space. And you've created a really nice own space.

But when you get in front of somebody else, there's some way in which you do that false humility thing. 

Coachee: Oh, I do that a lot. Yeah. It's a defensive thing. It must be. 

Brett: I like how you just pointed out the false humility thing there.

Which was another thing that was like in his opening question, how do I recognize my accomplishments?

Joe: Yes. 

Brett: And now you called it out for what it is in a way that hits in a totally different way than just the phrasing of his initial question and he's ready to receive that and recognize it. 

Joe: Totally. Yeah. Look, there's no shame in him in that call out. Like you could see his face frozen right here.

It's like there's no shame in that. Yeah. It's cool how much, just a little bit of welcoming yourself can change things this quickly and imagine what it's like to do it for days on end. 

Brett: Or a lifestyle. 

Joe: Or a lifestyle. That's right.

So just be with everybody here on the call with that welcoming, that deep welcoming.

Coachee: Yeah.

Test: Yeah,

Coachee: I like this. 

Joe: Yeah. And notice how much this is love, self-love. Eyes open. Yeah. Look at 'em. Yeah.

Coachee: Yeah. I needed this. 

Joe: Yeah. 

Brett: Wow. 

Joe: I love that. I needed this. We all need this. Yeah. 

Brett: Yeah. Whew. I need this every time. Every time I see that, it just hits on another level. 

Joe: Absolutely. 

Brett: Yeah. Such a beautiful session. It takes what is a intellectual concept of self-love into just a 10 minute journey of experiencing deeper and deeper layers of not taking self-love and like applying it in a top-down way, but being in an exploration and discovering and uncovering, 

Joe: yeah, 

Brett: the welcoming that creates or that opens up the state of being with oneself, with love. 

Joe: Yeah. It's an interesting thing that over my years of meditation one way that I've described it in the past is the more I meditate, the more my meditation is a welcoming. The less it's a management like it, it started as this deep management that was painful. I think torture maybe, and it's just more and more of a welcoming of everything. Yeah. Thanks, Brett. That was great. Thanks for that one. Felt really good to me. 

Brett: Yeah. Thank you, Joe. Thank you to our participant for your 

Joe: Yeah. 

Brett: Courage in showing up and getting what you want to be seen. 

Joe: Exactly. 

Brett: And to see yourself, to welcome yourself, 

Joe: to let us see you. 

Brett: Yeah. Thank you to everybody for listening and for welcoming us into your ears, your phones, iPads, computers, cars, relationships, lives, businesses.

If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to share it with a friend who you think would get a lot out of it. And we love for people to rate us, review us, leave us star ratings. Follow us on YouTube at Art of Accomplishment. You can find us on LinkedIn, X, the socials. Until next time, continue welcoming.

Thanks for listening to the Art of Accomplishment. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please share it with a friend and remember to follow us and rate us in your podcast app. The Art of Accomplishment was produced and hosted by myself, Brett Kistler and Joe Hudson. Mun Yee Kelly is our production coordinator, and this episode was edited by On Replay.